From Hospitalization to NPR

Yes, I know this blog is waaaay longer than is suggested by the blogging experts. If I blogged more often perhaps it wouldn't be! This was posted on The Balanced Mind Foundation. Check out this wonderful organization!!

It has been an incredible three months. It started in May with the release of Perfect Chaos, the book my daughter and I wrote together. This was followed by book launch events, national interviews, presentations, book readings and signings all across the country. Linea spoke in the opening session of the National Alliance on Mental Illness conference in June and received a standing ovation from over 1,500 people. A week later, she was hospitalized. She spent ten days in the psychiatric unit at a major hospital in Seattle. Shortly after her discharge, we were interviewed for Tell Me More, an NPR program that just aired on August 14th. The host, Jacki Lynden, caused me to reflect on this most recent stage of my life, a life affected by my daughter’s bipolar disorder.

“Were you angry after this last hospitalization?” Jacki asked me during our discussion. "It seems you have the right to be." I hadn’t really thought about anger but I think it was there, buried beneath many different and conflicting emotions. There was sadness, relief, fear, pride, anger, acceptance, hope and many more emotions that I will likely need my therapist to help me define. Yes, I was certainly sad that once again my beautiful daughter was hospitalized with a depression that was quickly escalating into the I-am-not-safe zone. “WHY??? WHY??” was running through my head, and this certainly may have been anger speaking. But I felt immense relief that she was receiving the care and treatment she needed. I also experienced a higher level of acceptance of this nasty illness and a strong belief, colored by past experiences, that her symptoms would be treated.

As well, I felt a huge sense of pride in her ability to care for herself and to ask for help when she needed it. We have been on a journey for more than seven years with a goal of Linea managing her health conditions. She met that goal. Her dad and I were out of the country when she knew she needed help. Linea recognized her symptoms for what they were, she put a support plan in place to ensure she'd be safe, she spoke with her medical team over a weekend when offices were closed, and she, once again, was completely honest with her family. We arrived home on a Sunday and she called to say, "We need a family conference." I went with her to her psychiatrist on Monday and she was hospitalized that afternoon. She even managed to call her medical insurance company just hours before her hospitalization to ask if she needed to do anything more than let them know what was going on.

It was also easier because we had all been through this before. I neither felt anxious when telling our family members and friends, nor did I feel compelled to provide support as they struggled to understand the illness and Linea’s symptoms. The phone calls and conversations took much less energy than during her previous hospitalizations. They moved into support mode quickly and efficiently.

There were still thoughts, deep in the night, about what brought this on and what could have been done to prevent it. Were the activities surrounding the book the cause? Was sharing our story the reason? Should we have not launched this book at this level of energy? Our dear friend Dr. Delaney Ruston (filmmaker, Unlisted: A Story of Schizophrenia) called me from across the country to see how Linea was doing. She said at first she was thinking that perhaps Linea was exhausted from all the book activities and then she said, "One of the main things I got from Perfect Chaos was that this illness is not caused by outside factors. Linea is ill because she has bipolar disorder, not because she didn’t do something good enough or did something wrong."

Managing one’s lifestyle, rest, sleep, stress, diet and exercise is an important part of managing bipolar disorder but it is not an absolute guaranteed cure. Linea is continuously learning to balance the life she wants with a chronic illness. This is a chronic illness that can be well-behaved, providing opportunities for a person to live in recovery. But it can also snap and snarl and need extreme attention until it can be tamed once again. When it causes problems, I do not want to give Linea the message that, somehow, it is her fault. She had been doing everything possible; lots of sleep, tweaking medications, seeing her psychologist weekly and her psychiatrist every two weeks, rigorously doing all the therapy suggested to her and yet, she still became ill again. She has a brain disorder.

Treatment worked once again and she is happy, moving back into work, having fun with friends again and relishing living in recovery. Will it last? How severe might the next episode be? When might it happen? We don’t know. If anything, bipolar disorder has taught us to appreciate every moment of health and happiness in all of our family and friends. Life is short, full of challenges and surprises yet, somehow I think we all live with seeds of hope inside of us somewhere; seeds wanting to fully blossom and allow us to live every minute noticing the good things, the small things, the kind people around us, the millions of moments we shouldn’t take for granted.

Listen to Linea describe where she is today on NPR’s Tell Me More! http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/08/14/158768330/familys-fight-again...

June 29, 2010: What WERE we thinking?

I wrote this almost two years ago, June 29, 2010. I am fascinated reading this now, one week before the release of our book, Perfect Chaos (St. Martin's Press, 2012). It all still holds true!

One day after Linea's graduation we received an offer from a major book publisher for our book. WOW!! We were and still are ecstatic! First came the news from our agent that the editor wanted to talk to us. Two working days later we received an offer from the publisher and after a couple of days of back and forth with our agent we accepted it. We were both completely excited and the whole thing seemed impossibly surreal. The book proposal went into submission the week of June 1st and we received the offer the next week. Our agent told us the speed of this was quite unbelievable particularly in this current market but we attribute it to her ability to push us further and further with a better, more concise and compelling proposal. The excitement continues but the first night (very late into the night, actually) it hit me. This is the real thing. Our book will be published. In stores and on bookshelves across the nation and perhaps beyond. What WERE we thinking? Suddenly I was insecure. The "what if's" flew like bats into my bedroom and into my worrying mind. What if we had bad reviews? What would a negative comment do to my daughter? What if my colleagues thought I was not "academic" enough by sharing a very personal memoir of a devastating illness? I hadn't had such small (what about the cover??) and long-range (what will my grandchildren think about this twenty years from now?) worries since I the births of my two daughters. Around and around my mind went until finally it settled on trust in our work, our agent, our editor and the world at large. We are committed to sharing our story with continued efforts to increasing understanding and support for people with mental illnesses and their families and to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness that adds another layer of pain to these illnesses. What a journey!

It's All in Your Head!

Are people more willing to pay to avoid physical illness than mental illness? The study might surprise you! I have been so busy with my daughter's and my book, released May 8th (Perfect Chaos - St. Martin's Press, 2012)! I haven't blogged much so thought I would share an article in which I interviewed with the author, Reyanne Weaver. It is a rather long article but I think also very interesting. Take a look at EmpowHer. It's not until the second page that I FINALLY get to give my opinion so if you are interested, keep reading!!

An excerpt, "“Neighbors and friends rally around someone with breast cancer while the doctors determine which treatment option is best based on sophisticated diagnostics,” Johnson said. “I do not believe the same level of support exists for a woman who is hiding in her home battling the overwhelming [effects] of depression.”

What WERE we thinking?

One day after Linea's graduation we received an offer from a major book publisher for our book. WOW!! We were and still are ecstatic! First came the news from our agent that the editor wanted to talk to us. Two working days later we received an offer from the publisher and after a couple of days of back and forth with our agent we accepted it. We were both completely excited and the whole thing seemed impossibly surreal. The book proposal went into submission the week of June 1st and we received the offer the next week. Our agent told us the speed of this was quite unbelievable particularly in this current market but we attribute it to her ability to push us further and further with a better, more concise and compelling proposal. The excitement continues but the first night (very late into the night, actually) it hit me. This is the real thing. Our book will be published. In stores and on bookshelves across the nation and perhaps beyond. What WERE we thinking? Suddenly I was insecure. The "what if's" flew like bats into my bedroom and into my worrying mind. What if we had bad reviews? What would a negative comment do to my daughter? What if my colleagues thought I was not "academic" enough by sharing a very personal memoir of a devastating illness? I hadn't had such small (what about the cover??) and long-range (what will my grandchildren think about this twenty years from now?) worries since I the births of my two daughters. Around and around my mind went until finally it settled on trust in our work, our agent, our editor and the world at large. We are committed to sharing our story with continued efforts to increasing understanding and support for people with mental illnesses and their families and to reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness that adds another layer of pain to these illnesses. What a journey!

Dearest Daughter, A Love Letter on Your Graduation

As we approach your graduation week-end I think about all the love letters we have written each other over the years. You have written me letters from joy and pain, excitement and anguish. I have written you love letters during both the happiest and the darkest times.  How proud we were when you graduated from high school and soon left Seattle for Chicago, a scholarship in hand and a goal to complete a degree in music performance! Yes, there was fear and long, anxious talks with plenty of tears while you struggled to decide where to continue your musical studies. Depression crept around the edges of your life and sometimes moved in to flatten you but mostly you held it at bay. Once you decided on Chicago there was no stopping you. Your dad and I were astounded at your success your first year in your program. I had many opportunities to watch you perform and navigate your college, the city and your life. I felt so much pride in your independence!

The second year of college your life and ours was torn apart by an insidious and unexpected disease. It was not in "the plan", was it? After the pain of almost losing you, the fear of "what's next?" and the gradual acceptance and partnership with this new way of life, you have moved forward, taking us with you. Life changed for you and for us as you eventually changed majors and universities and continued to pile up classes in the arts, philosophy, literature, poetry, and wrote and wrote and wrote some more. Can you believe that throughout all of this we wrote a book together? You opened your heart and soul to me and soon, to the world. I learned so much writing with you. You have taught me to push outside of my comfort zone, to question my thinking, and to trust your brilliance, maturity, and wisdom.

But here is the point of my love letter. Yes, plan for your future but don't miss a single moment of today. You are truly special. You are unleashing your power on the world. Relish each moment. You are surrounded by love. Not only Mama and Popi but your fierce-loving sister and little Thomas, who's worship-love for you will only grow over the years. The two grown boys have your back and would do anything for you. We will never leave you. Yes, you are surrounded by love. You have done more in your life already than most people your age and there is so much more to come. Oh, my youngest baby, I have told you this so many times and if I could give you any gift it would be: Trust the Universe. There is a plan for you and you need do nothing but stay authentic, honest, brave and open. Love, the Mama
    Relish each and every moment in time.....

Karma and Impossible Things

One definition of karma is an action or deed which causes an entire cycle of cause and effect. Serendipity is good luck in making fortunate and unexpected discoveries. We have had a combination of both in the last few years and in our journey to meet our agent. My daughter and I have written a book together and are working to get it published. Before I tell you the fascinating tale of our agent, let me wax on (literary term) about writing for a bit. I know that there must be hundreds and hundreds of books that have been written but never published, laying around in drawers, on old floppy disks (remember those?) and on hard drives. But never published. Never read by an agent. Never sent to a publisher. It is hard, hard work to move a good idea or a burning need to write onto paper, day in and day out, writing, writing, writing. It is equally hard to find an agent by presenting a well-written proposal only to turn around and re-write the proposal again and again until it is ready to go out to a publisher. The majority of new authors or academic authors write in their time between (paid) work and family. I think it is alot easier to let a good idea or a somewhat completed book languish in the recesses of a dark hole somewhere than do all the hard work to get something published. The good news is that we signed with an agent October 1st in New York City. It was amazing and more than exciting. We spent a full year of work preparing all that was requested for this next step in the process of publishing a book. Now for the karma/serendipity part of the story.

We flew out to New York to meet with our agent with anticipation and a strange feeling of coming full circle. New York was a place of great hope for Linea. She first went there as a high school senior, singing with a college ensemble at an international jazz festival. While in Chicago majoring in music performance her goals were centered in New York. There were many actions in the next few years causing an entire cycle of cause and effect. She became ill and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She took a medical leave from school and was hospitalized. She returned to school and was hospitalized again. She fought and struggled and somehow was able to stay upright while trying to manage this new and insidious illness. Linea transferred universities and will graduate this year with a degree in English and creative writing as well a three years of credits towards a degree in music performance. After all of this, we were in New York City in the fall of 2009. As we followed the directions to our agent's office in Union Square Linea pointed to a bench in the park directly outside of the office. "I called you from there, crying", she said. "Remember?

I remember. It was her last year in Chicago. She and three friends flew to New York City. It was the week after Christmas and husband Curt and I had gone to the remote and beautiful Ucluelet on the Pacific Rim Trail on western Vancouver Island, British Columbia. It is a place as far west as you can get in North America. While in NYC Linea had her wallet stolen with all her identification, money and her credit and debit cards. She was barely well and didn't need any additional stress in her life. I was frightened for her as I stood in the pouring rain and the exact spot in order to get cell phone coverage while she cried from over 3,000 miles away. Yet she stayed steady and her friends stayed by her side as she filed a report with the NYC police and did all the trivial and complicated details involved in losing one's identify and money. Two years later we were in New York, signing a contract with an agent for a book about this journey, not twenty feet from where she had called me. Sometimes you just have to believe that there is a bigger plan for each of us. I have said to Linea so many times, "Trust the Universe." Even times when I didn't have much faith left myself but somehow I still had a tiny speck of curiousity and hope about what might come next. Sometimes I just had to believe in impossible things.

While we were in NYC we made a quick trip through Central Park. We came across the beautiful bronze sculpture of Alice in Wonderland, commissioned by George Delacorte and unveiled in 1959. Linea has always loved Alice in Wonderland. For about two months around age five she would only answer to "Alice". She knew most of the lines from the 1985 movie.

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying, "she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast" (Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll, 1865).

Karma? Serendipity? I never want to quit believing in impossible things.

How do you write?

Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. [1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. For a behavior to be classified as procrastination, it must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.[2] (Wikipedia)

Counterproductive, needless and delaying. ARGH. Do you procrastinate when you have big task ahead of you? Writing is a task that finds me in either overdrive or stalled...procrastinating. I have huge amounts of writing to do right now. I am writing 1) a book; 2) an article on teachers, mental health conditions and helping adolescents; 3) an article on life after high school for students with emotional and behavioral disorders; 4) a very boring article for everyone but two other professors in the world on conducting research on post-school outcomes (don't ask); and 5) a really interesting piece with daughter Linea about US (yes, self-centered but fun!). Oh, and I am overdue on about three huge reports...So, what do I do? I am good at organizing my office(s), both work and home, so that I am in a lovely and comfortable environment where my creative juices feel welcome. I make excellent tea, warming the teapot just so and steeping for at least 5 minutes. I stop and look whenever the sun comes out. I answer phone calls from my family. I spend time walking from one end of the house to the other to get a cracker and a piece of cheese. I nibble. I read the acknowledgements in the back of the three books I am currently reading. I WRITE ON MY BLOG.

But, somehow the thoughts that need to go from my brain to my fingers to the screen and on to the paper flutter and turn and eventually settle where they are supposed to. I forget things while "procrastinating" like my keys, my phone, my teeth cleaning appointment. Which, by the way, costs extra $ and is punishable by a three month wait for another opening. But the contemplation sorts and sifts through the ruminating and the writing comes, finally, in long and steady doses. I sit in pajamas (home office only) and write and write and write and I am lost in a space that finally makes sense. Procrastination may be Delaying but perhaps not Counterproductive and Needless. How do you write?