Mindfulness is the aware, balanced acceptance of the present experience.
It isn't more complicated than that.
It is opening to or receiving the present moment, pleasant or unpleasant, just as it is,
without either clinging to it or rejecting it.
-Sylvia Boorstein
If one lives long enough, it becomes clear that there are no guarantees in life. There are moments, days and weeks when the lack of control feels overwhelming. This seems particularly true when a loved one is struggling with a chronic illness. I have a mother and a sister struggling with autoimmune diseases. My mother has fought this battle since my earliest memories. I lost a brother to suicide. Every family walks with joy and pain, wonderful bounties and excruciating losses. I often need to remind myself that facing these issues is as emotionally painful for me as anyone else around the world, yet my burden is lessened simply because of the luck of the draw. We are an upper middle class family born in a country with many, many resources. Things could be so much more difficult if we were living in poverty, didn’t have family and friends’ support, couldn’t read or write or speak the community language.
My daughter lives with bipolar disorder. Sometimes she “has” bipolar disorder and sometimes she “struggles with” bipolar disorder and, yes, sometimes she “suffers” from bipolar disorder. Yet it is still a painful struggle, not only for a person facing a chronic illness every single day, but for those who love him or her. I, too, have various relationships with her illness. When things are going well I am particularly aware of our incredible blessings or luck or whatever you want to call it. Yet when my mother falls or my sister struggles with new symptoms I find it difficult to count my blessings while fighting the worries that well up from my heart. When my daughter’s illness takes her into bumps or dips or even on roller-coaster rides I struggle against fear, anger and grief. Yet, I have no control. There is so much that I can do but also so much that I cannot. I cannot fix it or make it go away. I have tried negotiating with my Higher Being when my daughter was the sickest: “Give it to me. Let me have it. My daughter is young and just beginning her life. I can handle it.” But the answer is always, “No, sorry, not possible.”
Finally and ultimately I have no choice but to simply accept it. As a colleague once said about his relationship with his very ill son, “Sometimes all I can do is sit by the swamp with him and just be.” Just be. A concept so very difficult but something that I try to practice every single day. A concept exceedingly tested by the experiences of living with a chronic illness. I also remind myself that there are many positive and wonderful things that have come from this journey. Sometimes these are difficult to remember but so true: honesty, love, deeper friendships and relationship, commitment, strength, humility and patience. There is wonder at the strength of the human spirit of my daughter, my mother and my sister to move forward when faced again and again with incredible pain and worry beyond my own experiences. We are in this together. I will continue to work towards acceptance and embrace the simple joy found in the love of my family. I wish you the same.
From my blog at Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Not Just for Kids!
Thought someone might enjoy the blog I wrote that was just posted on the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation website.
Remember, during a crisis act like a thermostat, not like a thermometer. This is one of the many things I try to share with my graduate students during the class I teach on emotional, behavioral and mental health conditions. Many of the graduate students are also parents and have told me that the suggestion of acting like a thermostat rather than a thermometer is also helpful to them in their homes. This analogy means staying level when your child’s emotions are running wild. Instead, we often act like a thermometer, responding to the distress by heightening our own emotions in response.
This response is called “mirroring”. We have a neural “wi-fi” in our brains that is deeply affected by the actions and behaviors of others. Have you ever noticed that when a discussion gets loud or heated you can change the volume of another person by merely lowering your voice and slowing your speech? The frontal lobe of our brain is the “high road”, working with logic and impulse control and it doesn’t fully develop until the MID-TWENTIES!! The “low road” is, in fact, located down low in our brain and it is the “fight, flight or freeze” part of the brain as well as the master of mirroring. When kids are in stress and their behaviors are strong and negative, adults will mirror those behaviors unless the brain is trained to do otherwise.
Example of mirroring:
1. Stressful event occurs (frustration, failure) which activates the child’s (or adolescent’s) irrational beliefs (adults are unfair, nothing good ever happens to me).
2. These negative thoughts trigger the child’s feelings.
3. Feelings rather than rational thinking drive the child’s inappropriate behavior.
4. Inappropriate behavior (yelling, threatening, refusing to speak) provoke adults.
5. Adults don’t only pick up on this behavior but mirror the behaviors (yell back, threaten, etc.).
6. This negative reaction increases the child’s stress, escalating the conflict into a self-defeating power struggle.
7. Although the child may well lose the battle there is no winner. The irrational beliefs the child had in the first place (nothing good ever happens to me) are reinforced and she or he has no motivation to change or alter beliefs or behaviors.
Children and adolescents must be taught to take the high road. Adults must remember to take the high road.
Stay a "thermostat" even though it is hard. Don’t be a "thermometer" and fluctuate with the temperature around you. Try to:
1. Use “I” messages (less threatening, less likely to promote aggression, good modeling of an honest exchange, interrupts power struggles and releases stress in a healthy way).
2. Step out of the conflict if you feel yourself mirroring. Tell the child you do want to talk to them and can when you are both calmer.
3. Encourage the child to take a break and practice self-calming techniques.
4. Listen carefully for what is not being said (decoding) and try to respond to underlying concern with I messages.
I personally know how difficult this can be, particularly when you are exhausted and it doesn’t seem to get any better. Hopefully these suggestions are helpful or a reminder of things you already know. Find time to take care of yourself. Take a walk, join a book club, do yoga, meditate, stay close to friends, find a group or organization that can support your spiritual side, find time to talk to you partner about something other than your child or adolescent, garden or go to a park or conservatory, pet an animal, write in your journal, and enjoy a small pocket of peace wherever you find it. Remember to breathe.
This is the direct link to the CABF Blog.
Remember, during a crisis act like a thermostat, not like a thermometer. This is one of the many things I try to share with my graduate students during the class I teach on emotional, behavioral and mental health conditions. Many of the graduate students are also parents and have told me that the suggestion of acting like a thermostat rather than a thermometer is also helpful to them in their homes. This analogy means staying level when your child’s emotions are running wild. Instead, we often act like a thermometer, responding to the distress by heightening our own emotions in response.
This response is called “mirroring”. We have a neural “wi-fi” in our brains that is deeply affected by the actions and behaviors of others. Have you ever noticed that when a discussion gets loud or heated you can change the volume of another person by merely lowering your voice and slowing your speech? The frontal lobe of our brain is the “high road”, working with logic and impulse control and it doesn’t fully develop until the MID-TWENTIES!! The “low road” is, in fact, located down low in our brain and it is the “fight, flight or freeze” part of the brain as well as the master of mirroring. When kids are in stress and their behaviors are strong and negative, adults will mirror those behaviors unless the brain is trained to do otherwise.
Example of mirroring:
1. Stressful event occurs (frustration, failure) which activates the child’s (or adolescent’s) irrational beliefs (adults are unfair, nothing good ever happens to me).
2. These negative thoughts trigger the child’s feelings.
3. Feelings rather than rational thinking drive the child’s inappropriate behavior.
4. Inappropriate behavior (yelling, threatening, refusing to speak) provoke adults.
5. Adults don’t only pick up on this behavior but mirror the behaviors (yell back, threaten, etc.).
6. This negative reaction increases the child’s stress, escalating the conflict into a self-defeating power struggle.
7. Although the child may well lose the battle there is no winner. The irrational beliefs the child had in the first place (nothing good ever happens to me) are reinforced and she or he has no motivation to change or alter beliefs or behaviors.
Children and adolescents must be taught to take the high road. Adults must remember to take the high road.
Stay a "thermostat" even though it is hard. Don’t be a "thermometer" and fluctuate with the temperature around you. Try to:
1. Use “I” messages (less threatening, less likely to promote aggression, good modeling of an honest exchange, interrupts power struggles and releases stress in a healthy way).
2. Step out of the conflict if you feel yourself mirroring. Tell the child you do want to talk to them and can when you are both calmer.
3. Encourage the child to take a break and practice self-calming techniques.
4. Listen carefully for what is not being said (decoding) and try to respond to underlying concern with I messages.
I personally know how difficult this can be, particularly when you are exhausted and it doesn’t seem to get any better. Hopefully these suggestions are helpful or a reminder of things you already know. Find time to take care of yourself. Take a walk, join a book club, do yoga, meditate, stay close to friends, find a group or organization that can support your spiritual side, find time to talk to you partner about something other than your child or adolescent, garden or go to a park or conservatory, pet an animal, write in your journal, and enjoy a small pocket of peace wherever you find it. Remember to breathe.
This is the direct link to the CABF Blog.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I Love Second Graders
“Did you know that Ms. Barr is going to CANCEL recess? What if that were true? How would you feel? What emotions would you have?” My graduate student asked this of four second grade students in a special education classroom. They may all have learning disabilities and struggle with reading and writing but there is nothing wrong with their critical thinking skills. They said they would feel emotions like:
Cancelled recess wasn’t true of course, but it was a writing prompt to which each child could personally relate. They wrote a letter to Ms. Barr telling her how they felt about it and why they felt that way. The children struggled to sound out the words, working hard to put their own thoughts down on paper and to share how they felt with another person. This is writing!
Mad.
Sad.
Annoyed.
Happy. “I could stay inside.” (On those rainy days that might be nice!)
Disgraced. “Yes, I would feel disgraced if I had to stay in every single day,” said Bao.
Embarrassed. “Why would you feel embarrassed?” asked the teacher. “I would feel embarrassed because we would be the ONLY school around that didn’t get recess!” answered Lillie.
Cancelled recess wasn’t true of course, but it was a writing prompt to which each child could personally relate. They wrote a letter to Ms. Barr telling her how they felt about it and why they felt that way. The children struggled to sound out the words, working hard to put their own thoughts down on paper and to share how they felt with another person. This is writing!Such a fun day I had. I love winter quarter when I have practicum students out in schools and I have the opportunity to visit, watch, listen, laugh and learn. One small boy with significant bouncing and rocking issues chanted, “Think. Think. Think. Think,” in time to his movements as he sounded out unknown words. I am going to try this technique next time I have a difficult writing task.
Thank you for sharing your day with me!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
It Wasn't on my To-do List
Having spent two weeks at home over the holidays I went back to campus slighty caught up with my list of many things I must, should and could do. I was in my office early this morning and my phone was ringing as I unlocked my door. It was a graduate student in our program. She said she had listened to me and the other professors in this university with the strong emphasis on social justice; our push to "get involved" and "not lose kids because no one paid attention". She had sent me an email at 4:00 a.m. because she couldn't sleep and wanted to make sure I had read it. She had given a neighbor boy a ride home, along with her son and other students in her local high school. The boy, let's call him Bob, told her he was worried because he was going to turn 18 in "40 days" and would no longer be able to live in his foster home. He had been in 32 homes over his short life and without ever finding a permanent family, services would be over in little over a month. He didn't know what he would do or where he would go. My grad student contacted the high school counselor to see if there was a plan in place to help this young man or if anyone was even aware of his situation. The counselor told her that her graduate program is unrealistic and idealist and in the "real world" schools aren't responsible for this kid's living situation.
I work on a project with Treehouse, an amazing organization that supports foster kids with tutoring, wrap around services and case management. I told her I would call my "contacts" and see what I could find. In Washington Bob's situation is not unusual. Foster home placement ENDS at age 18. Also not unusual is that these kids, most who have not finished high school, drop out of school, live on the streets and many end up incarcerated. But someone stepped up and got involved and pushed me to set aside my "to-do" list and make some calls. Connections were made. Treehouse educational advocates are experts who work with schools, social workers, foster families and students to resolve difficult issues and remove barriers to foster kids’ school success. My student is connecting Bob an educational advocate.
I don't know what will happen next for "Bob" but someone paid attention. Someone couldn't sleep thinking about Bob, an almost 18-year old, who had never had a stable home and would soon not have one at all. She couldn't sleep, unrealistic and idealistic person that she is, so she sent an email at 4:00 a.m. seeking advice. This is the real world and we so need people to make a small difference. Stay tuned.
I work on a project with Treehouse, an amazing organization that supports foster kids with tutoring, wrap around services and case management. I told her I would call my "contacts" and see what I could find. In Washington Bob's situation is not unusual. Foster home placement ENDS at age 18. Also not unusual is that these kids, most who have not finished high school, drop out of school, live on the streets and many end up incarcerated. But someone stepped up and got involved and pushed me to set aside my "to-do" list and make some calls. Connections were made. Treehouse educational advocates are experts who work with schools, social workers, foster families and students to resolve difficult issues and remove barriers to foster kids’ school success. My student is connecting Bob an educational advocate.
I don't know what will happen next for "Bob" but someone paid attention. Someone couldn't sleep thinking about Bob, an almost 18-year old, who had never had a stable home and would soon not have one at all. She couldn't sleep, unrealistic and idealistic person that she is, so she sent an email at 4:00 a.m. seeking advice. This is the real world and we so need people to make a small difference. Stay tuned.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Grown-up Children
My post for the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation:
My babies have turned into grown-ups. Whether we call them “grown-ups” or “young adults” they are still our children. My mother once told me that as our children get older there may be less day to day problems but the problems that do need our attention are usually big ones. We may not have to deal with the non-stop parenting demanded by a two-year old or the tenuous yet diligent parenting of a thirteen-year old but the problems that are there are likely serious. Things like lost jobs, lost loves and other difficult issues demand our assistance. Parenting a child with a mental illness or any chronic illness adds its own complexities and worries. Our children take their mental illnesses with them as they move into adulthood. This can certainly complicate parenting. I know this intimately. I have been “writing” this piece in my head for the last two weeks which is generally the way I write. I start with a thought and eventually turn it into a paper complete with sentences that I write in my head in the middle of the night, while waiting in line and while on airplanes. Imagine my surprise when the piece I had been working on suddenly showed up on the blog my daughter writes for BringChange2Mind. I read it and decided not to write mine but then I thought again. Perhaps this particular time in our lives would be helpful to others when told from both the young person’s perspective and the mother’s.
My daughter, Linea, has bipolar disorder. She is now twenty-four years old. I have some degree of PTSD from her illness, particularly from almost losing her twice and from her lack of self-care during her sickest times. Her inability to care for herself during those years left a fear deep in my soul, resting yet ready to pounce if I wasn’t vigilant. I have finally learned to trust her ability to care for herself. I have learned to trust that she tells me when she needs me to help her with something. I have learned to trust that she tells me how she is feeling without me quizzing her. Trust has come from long talks, complete, total and sometimes painful honesty, and from time. She has been stable for a few years now and graduated from college last spring. We have sold a book together. We speak nationally. She works on various projects with various organizations in the field of mental health advocacy. She recently accepted a position with a project that was very exciting to her. But I began to see an increase in her anxiety. She seemed unable to ever relax. She didn’t look “okay” to me. She lost weight rapidly. I knew all the symptoms that had plagued her in the past and I was afraid. I gently probed but didn’t get much more from her than she was worried about the most recent project she had agreed to do. I spoke about my fears with her dad and we both agreed that she was moving into a dangerous phase. I talked to her again about her commitments and urged her to take something off her plate. I told her that if she didn’t, I believed she would be hospitalized again. I was honest with her. Within a couple of days it became very clear to me something needed to be done. My heart wouldn’t stop pounding and my worries wouldn’t rest. I knew something was seriously wrong. Her dad and I decided we needed to intervene. It was frightening to me because I didn’t want to make her angry or have her push us away. Yes, I trusted her. Yes, she was a young adult making her own decisions. But we had to do something.
We showed up at her apartment, not to take her out to a meal or go to an event but to have a heart to heart talk. She became very anxious but it worked. She listened. She asked for our help in sorting everything out. I told her she would feel worse before she felt better given she had to do something very, very difficult for her to do. She had to “disappoint” the people who had given her the opportunity to work on a very exciting project. I told her that the ramifications to her health were far worse and I think she believed me. Close to a full blown anxiety attack she made the decision to “quit” her job. We supported her in taking the next steps to resign from this position. It was extremely difficult and emotional for her and therefore for me but I knew without a single doubt that she was on her way to the severe side of her illness if she did not take care of herself.
Do you hope for words of wisdom from a mom who has a twenty-four year old daughter with bipolar? I certainly am not an expert in your own lives and I don’t know all the intricacies of your experiences.I humbly offer this: trust yourself as well as work with your child to trust him or her. It is so easy to second guess what to do, what to say. Listen to what’s going on in your own heart and trust that it is telling you what to do. Thankfully Linea agreed with us but she hadn’t just a few weeks earlier. Sometimes it may mean going back again and again but don’t give up. When someone we love is in the middle of symptoms of this illness, she or he needs the support that a mom, dad or other close support person can give. Build trust and be honest. In the long run it will lay the groundwork for the hard and big problems that will arise.
Now you should read my daughter Linea’s take on this. It has many similarities and some differences. I am so very proud of her!
My babies have turned into grown-ups. Whether we call them “grown-ups” or “young adults” they are still our children. My mother once told me that as our children get older there may be less day to day problems but the problems that do need our attention are usually big ones. We may not have to deal with the non-stop parenting demanded by a two-year old or the tenuous yet diligent parenting of a thirteen-year old but the problems that are there are likely serious. Things like lost jobs, lost loves and other difficult issues demand our assistance. Parenting a child with a mental illness or any chronic illness adds its own complexities and worries. Our children take their mental illnesses with them as they move into adulthood. This can certainly complicate parenting. I know this intimately. I have been “writing” this piece in my head for the last two weeks which is generally the way I write. I start with a thought and eventually turn it into a paper complete with sentences that I write in my head in the middle of the night, while waiting in line and while on airplanes. Imagine my surprise when the piece I had been working on suddenly showed up on the blog my daughter writes for BringChange2Mind. I read it and decided not to write mine but then I thought again. Perhaps this particular time in our lives would be helpful to others when told from both the young person’s perspective and the mother’s.
My daughter, Linea, has bipolar disorder. She is now twenty-four years old. I have some degree of PTSD from her illness, particularly from almost losing her twice and from her lack of self-care during her sickest times. Her inability to care for herself during those years left a fear deep in my soul, resting yet ready to pounce if I wasn’t vigilant. I have finally learned to trust her ability to care for herself. I have learned to trust that she tells me when she needs me to help her with something. I have learned to trust that she tells me how she is feeling without me quizzing her. Trust has come from long talks, complete, total and sometimes painful honesty, and from time. She has been stable for a few years now and graduated from college last spring. We have sold a book together. We speak nationally. She works on various projects with various organizations in the field of mental health advocacy. She recently accepted a position with a project that was very exciting to her. But I began to see an increase in her anxiety. She seemed unable to ever relax. She didn’t look “okay” to me. She lost weight rapidly. I knew all the symptoms that had plagued her in the past and I was afraid. I gently probed but didn’t get much more from her than she was worried about the most recent project she had agreed to do. I spoke about my fears with her dad and we both agreed that she was moving into a dangerous phase. I talked to her again about her commitments and urged her to take something off her plate. I told her that if she didn’t, I believed she would be hospitalized again. I was honest with her. Within a couple of days it became very clear to me something needed to be done. My heart wouldn’t stop pounding and my worries wouldn’t rest. I knew something was seriously wrong. Her dad and I decided we needed to intervene. It was frightening to me because I didn’t want to make her angry or have her push us away. Yes, I trusted her. Yes, she was a young adult making her own decisions. But we had to do something.
We showed up at her apartment, not to take her out to a meal or go to an event but to have a heart to heart talk. She became very anxious but it worked. She listened. She asked for our help in sorting everything out. I told her she would feel worse before she felt better given she had to do something very, very difficult for her to do. She had to “disappoint” the people who had given her the opportunity to work on a very exciting project. I told her that the ramifications to her health were far worse and I think she believed me. Close to a full blown anxiety attack she made the decision to “quit” her job. We supported her in taking the next steps to resign from this position. It was extremely difficult and emotional for her and therefore for me but I knew without a single doubt that she was on her way to the severe side of her illness if she did not take care of herself.
Do you hope for words of wisdom from a mom who has a twenty-four year old daughter with bipolar? I certainly am not an expert in your own lives and I don’t know all the intricacies of your experiences.I humbly offer this: trust yourself as well as work with your child to trust him or her. It is so easy to second guess what to do, what to say. Listen to what’s going on in your own heart and trust that it is telling you what to do. Thankfully Linea agreed with us but she hadn’t just a few weeks earlier. Sometimes it may mean going back again and again but don’t give up. When someone we love is in the middle of symptoms of this illness, she or he needs the support that a mom, dad or other close support person can give. Build trust and be honest. In the long run it will lay the groundwork for the hard and big problems that will arise.
Now you should read my daughter Linea’s take on this. It has many similarities and some differences. I am so very proud of her!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Help Children and Youth with Bipolar Disorder: Just a Minute
One such organization is the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation. This organization is in the running for $250,000.00 from the Pepsi Refresh Challenge. Scroll down and check out the video (made by a mom with help from her daughter!). Then VOTE for these kids and their moms. The work this organization does changes countless lives, supports thousands of families and continues to push for more research and support for the millions of children with mental illnesses. Voting takes only minutes from your life (and you won't be on anyone's spam list). Mental illnesses takes huge amounts of time away from the lives of these children and their families. Vote if you are a dad, a friend, a co-worker, a young person or anyone else. Vote in solidarity with these brave, resourceful and dedicated woman.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
What's going on, anyway?
I am teaching my favorite class fall quarter and we are at the point where my students really "get it"! The class is "Teaching Students with Emotional and Behavioral Disorders". My students are all graduate students in special education, school counseling and school psychology. The goal of the course is to develop skills in my students to support K-12 students who have difficulty in school due to behaviors caused by mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, others), conduct or oppositional defiance disorder, attention deficit disorder, and perhaps a general lack of understanding and skills in behaviors that support positive school experiences. Assessment is the first step in this process. What, where, when and how much? The behaviors are not the fault of the child or adolescent. There is a function for the behavior. It is so fun, awesome and inspiring to see my students not only look at the environment and what they can do to support the young person but to learn the skills to advocate for the child/adolescent in their school! Very simply put and without all the research behind the process here is what they are learning:1. What's the problem? (Child A (let's call her Shonna) puts her head down during the entire class and doesn't talk. Child B (let's call him Matt) disrupts class by talking out and bothering others, "I don't GET IT! I can't DO IT!!")
2. When, where and how often? (Shonna: First two hours of the day. Matt: During math class right before lunch. During social studies at the end of the day.)
3. What is the function of the behavior(s)? What does the student get or get out of with the behavior? (Shonna doesn't have to interact with other students or the teacher. Matt doesn't have to do math or social studies and gets attention from teacher and peers- negative attention but attention never-the-less. Questions to ask: Is the child hungry? Tired? On medications? Does she/he have the skills to do the assigned work? What's going on at home?)
4. How can the environment be changed and/or the consequences of the behavior? (Teacher meets with Shonna individually prior to the class. Make sure that Shonna has had breakfast. Explain the assignments (give specific work prior to group work); give snacks if necessary, put in small, supportive peer group. Check in often with a touch on her shoulder and thumbs up/ thumbs down. Give Shonna "token" to place on desk when she needs teacher assistance. Give positive reinforcement for looking at peers, speaking to group. Check to see if this should be private or public. Some kids don't see public praise as a reinforcer!
Assess Matt to determine his skills in math and social studies. How does Matt do during other periods? If okay then look at environmental factors. Tired? Hungry? Over-stimulated? Medications? Make sure that Matt has an assignment that allows him to be successful. Build assignments to optimal level so Matt is successful but still challenged. Develop a self-monitoring plan for Matt. Have Matt keep track of successful on task behavior and provide appropriate and natural rewards. Even 6 year olds can do this!!)
5. Review data and evaluate effectiveness of interventions. Change as necessary. Communicate with parents and all other teachers involved. Keep working!
Okay, so now you have 4 weeks of a graduate course in one short blog. I love, love LOVE working with "difficult kids" because they are beautiful, challenging and awesome children/adolescents who need someone to step up and support them in their desire to be successful. It is wonderfully rewarding to figure it out with the child and the parents and develop an intervention plan that leads to success! Thoughts?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
