Telling the Truth

     Why tell your story? I posted "my story" on this blog last Friday. Why did I wake up during the night with anxiety and worry? It is not as if I haven't shared my story before. It is not something that I have kept private. My youngest daughter, Linea, and I travel around the country presenting information about mental illness and adolescents, sharing research, best practices and resources. We share our own experiences. But something about seeng the faces of those with whom we tell our story makes a difference to me. When "my story" went out on the world-wide web I could not see the faces. I couldn't tell if there was acceptance or rejection, understanding or disdain, or a shared human-ness or a distancing. I tossed and turned. I heard the voices, "Why would you want to tell people?"

     A short recap on "the story": I was teaching a graduate class about children and adolescents with emotional and behavior disorders when Linea was "pulled out to sea". (The irony of it all!) Within that short winter quarter she was brought home from her second year in college, too ill to live 2,000 miles away and unable to continue in her studies. By the time the quarter ended she was hospitalized for a severe depression and soon diagnosed with bipolar disorder. At the time I decided to tell the truth to my students, my colleagues, my family and friends. The truth became more frightening and horrifying as the weeks and months went on. Sometimes I told the truth because I had no option other than simply disintegrating with the fear and the sorrow; with the inability to make things better. I wanted to find anyone who could fix my daughter. I wanted to share my grief and perhaps lessen it. I was unravelling. But my watchful mind was noticing the impact on others as they accompanied me on this journey in both small and large ways. There was an honesty that had perhaps not been there before. There were small changes in attitudes and there were the occasional "ah-ha's", so valued by a teacher. There were many who shared their own story or of someone whom they loved, often for the first time outside of their immediate family. In the beginning I most likely told my truth because I had no ability to do otherwise. I could not keep it hidden within me without falling apart. But as we moved forward and through this initial diagnosis and treatment Linea found stability. It was a wild and unpredictable time but finally, in fits and starts, it settled itself. (Unpredictable - What a mild word for that time of chaos and mayhem!)

     Linea and I settled into an agreement with this illness. I respected it, I hated it, I accepted it and eventually I chose to embrace the possibilities that came with it. These possibilities included joy and thankfulness for every minute and day of stability. It also deepened an honesty between Linea and me, and within our family and our friends.
     Linea and I had the wonderful opportunity to hear Kay Redfield Jamison speak about her own battle with this "insidious disease called bipolar". She noted that people are often unaware of the many who are living with mental illness and who are stable. It is much easier to keep one's story hidden when stable. It is much easier for me to put away the story of my daughter's mental health condition when she is stable. It is much easier to forget it, to pretend it is gone forever. But it does not go away. Stability is an every-single-day effort to stay healthy.
     Linea and I have spent hours discussing this and we are in agreement that we have a responsibility to share her and my story for the 1 of 6 adults and 1 of 5 young people who struggle with a mental health condition and for those who are unable to share their own story. I know many people who are not comfortable sharing such intimate information with either their closest friends, their employers or the world. I know many people who are unable to do so because they are too ill and using all their energy to stay afloat. It is okay.We are blessed with resources, knowledge, information and the ability to speak about our journey. We have a responsibility. We join BringChange2Mind, a non-profit organization created by Glenn Close, the Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation (CABF), Fountain House, and the International Mental Health Research Organization (IMHRO), to fight the stigma of mental illness and provide resources and hope to millions of people one story at a time. It still provokes anxiety but it is also freeing. Thank you for reading my story and allowing me to sort this out in my own mind. I would be honored to hear yours.